6/20/14

Hello From Under My Rock

Is anyone still here?

I have started, and not finished, about 20 posts in the past few weeks. None of them have seen the light of day. A couple of them might. I've written one about how someone from Amway totally made my day, one about how MomBragging needs to become a thing, one about secrets, one about how long it's been since I've done anything that even remotely resembles sex (dreams involving Louis CK and/or Googling "Jon Hamm commando" don't count) and one about how being laid off and then looking for a job is WAY too much like getting divorced and having to start dating again. Any of these sound interesting?

Our little family had one of our craziest, busiest weeks evah. In the span of 7 days, the following happened:

My school-year preschoolers graduated (and I cried like a mofo).
The eldest of my brood, Charlie, finished off another semester of college with near-perfect grades and began working for Whole Foods (yay for grassfed beef 20% off, amirite??) along with starting an internship with my ex-father in law's business.
William and Henry finished 8th and 10th grade, respectively. And as far as I know, both are being allowed back in the next grade up come September.
I got my first haircut since last May. I call it the annual "Shearing of the Duggar" and I'm pretty sure my kickass friend Kathryn, who cut my hair, found a few small animals nesting on my head but had the class to not say anything about it. I heart you, Kathryn!
Family Circle magazine sent a professional photographer out to my house for a photo shoot. They are publishing one of my essays in an upcoming issue and needed pics of me and all dem babies of mine. I was sweating profusely because I was encased in Spanx from my armpits to my knees but the photographer (and his assistant/wife) were kind and let me sip an ice cold martini between shots. Since martinis make me super sexy and funny I'm sure the last few pictures were the best (winky face here). I loathe having my picture taken, so this was a really tough thing. I'm fat; I have a rogue front tooth that's moving forward, giving me a hillbilly smile and there was sweat beading on my face faster than I could mop it up. Please join me in praying that David Bowman is kind with the photoshopping. (David, if you happen to be reading, I'd do just about anything for shoulders and smaller upper arms. Thanks!)


That's my sweat on the driveway. Just kidding. 


Molly, my girl, graduated from high school. She is, as my kids used to say when they were wee, "all dunny". Done. Finito. The end. The school does a remarkable job of getting 600+ kids all graduated in 2 hours. I have to complain about one thing, though: people who take off after their kid's name has been called. Now, I can hear the "BUTS" already: "But we had to get out of there! But our last name is Aardvaark, bitch!" "But we had to go secure the best spot for after-grad pictures!" I don't care. Two of you decided to leave and walked right in front of me at the exact same moment my daughter grabbed hold of her diploma. You know those once-in-a-lifetime things you can't ever recreate? That was one of them. Hope you avoided the traffic successfully, assholes.
Less than 24 hours after she graduated, we had her party. Psycho doesn't begin to explain my state of mind that day. My apologies to my children. And to my BFF's kids, who tried to come over early and nosh on the grub. I might have screamed at them with a horrifying, guttural, demonic voice to "GET OUT!! PARTY STARTS AT 6!!!". I hope that wasn't pee I saw streaming down the leg of the younger one as they booked it far away from the sweaty screaming banshee. The party was a success, despite a lower-than-hoped turnout by people and a higher-than-hoped turnout by raindrops and mosquitoes. I have this amazing circle of hens who have been there for me through pretty much everything, and I was really glad to close the party down with most of them. Molly decided to buy herself a Macbook for college and as I type this I'm giving her dirty looks to finish writing thank you notes. Two grad parties, down- two to go.

Phew.

I guess I could say that being busy has kept me from writing. But that would be a lie. The truth is, I'm feeling frozen. Paralyzed. The job search is not going so great. Thinking about Molly leaving for school is filling me with dread...not so much because she's leaving, but because I'm terrified about money and all the things it pays for and not having enough of it for everything.

A friend of mine made a comment on a facebook post the other day. We were discussing heroin, of all things, and how it's making a huge comeback (more on this later, but OMG it's bad). I was clueless about this latest "thing" and my friend said: "I think you've been under a rock..". At first I was kind of like, "Say what??" and then I realized that she was right.

I have been living under a rock. Not just about heroin, but about everything. It's safe and cool under here, and I can't see things that are looming: kids leaving the nest, my job ending in two months, the fact that my joy has kind of left the building. I wouldn't call my rock depression, but I would say that it's a close relative. Maybe a second cousin.

I'm glad my friend made that comment, because in turn, it made me think. As cozy as it is under this rock, I need to get out from under it and face things. Life doesn't stop happening just because some of us find it too scary or too unpredictable to handle. And for those of us who hide from it, who do a great job of pretending that everything is JUST FINE when inside we are reeling with anxiety and doubt and worry...that's not good. Because we are missing out.

Thank you to everyone who has commented or emailed or nudged me over the past few weeks. It feels really nice to be missed, even if the reason I've been missing isn't super fun.



42 comments:

  1. Love reading your blog! I've missed your posts - keep em coming.

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  2. Add me to the list of The Ones Who Missed You. Glad I got my fix today (yeah, screw heroine, I got Hausfrau instead). Keep your spirits up, darling, in whatever way you can -- and that includes ice-cold martinis. You have a huge fan base rooting for you, so keep that in mind as you go forward. Massive hugs from my upper left corner of the country.

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    1. Thanks my friend! The martinis do help. So much.

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  3. LOLz -- when I spelled "heroin" "heroine" in my post I was thinking of you, Jenny! :)

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  4. I check almost daily for a new post! I'm glad you're back, your blog keeps me going.

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    1. Oh man. Thank you, anon. I'm sorry to keep you waiting! Thank you for coming back :)

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  5. Great to have you back Jenny! And I'm praying that something awesome is just around the corner for you, because you're awesome and you deserve it!

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    1. Thank you Anna!! So kind of you to say. I will just keep chuggin' along ;)

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  6. Yes, missed you and glad you're back.

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  7. Yay! You're back. I was thinking about you and the job. It always works out. As Captain Obvious, I have to point out the obvious, but why don't you make this blog and/or writing your living? Or at least do consulting and freelancing until you get a stable gig? Or be all Elizabeth Gilbert or CrazyAuntPurl and get a book advance? Have I said something you've probably been told eleventy times already? Probably.

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    1. I love you for even thinking this kind of stuff is possible..thank you! I'd give a kidney or one of my rattly ovaries for a writing gig. That manuscript isn't going to get published if I don't show it off. Been thinking about the self-publishing route.

      And yes, I've heard similar things, not eleventy times but girl...it feels like a real good kiss every time I hear it. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

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  8. Yes!! I am a new reader as well, and I LOVE reading your posts. I gorged myself on older ones you have written and have been checking often for a new one. I love your honesty and sense of humor. Your struggles with Big Daddy and the kiddos and everything are just so relatable for us women folk. Even if we are walking a different path, I love reading your musings..sometimes they make me cry, sometimes they make me lol, and sometimes I just smirk at the similarity of us ladies. Life is a crazy, short roller coaster and I am so glad to have found you for the ride ;)

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    1. Aww..thank you so much! Glad to have you next to me on the roller coaster :) You made my night with this comment, by the way.

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  9. I am existing under a similar rock, my friend-- trying really hard to focus on the good/happy and pushing the stress & anxiety down.

    Going back to school (again!) is surely making it worse, but if I can muddle through for another 18 months, I'll be done. ;) I keep telling myself it's worth it; I'm nearly convinced. Hang in there, love! xoxo

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    1. Ugh...stupid rocks. I'm so excited for you, and the school thing!! You're gonna do it, sister. And yes, it's worth it. YOU are worth it. Love ya, girl.

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  10. I've been missing the HHF and am glad you are back. Everyone has a rock or two they hide behind from time to time. Isn't denial the first step in dealing with loss/pain? On the days you are strong enough, you kick that rock to the side and get your pasty face out into the light of day. It does wonders for the psyche. Other days it seems like an impossible feat. Thanks for posting about this as all us women-folk have those days.

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    1. Thank you Gail :) I'm feeling stronger now, but as you know, it comes and goes. I do need to get the hell out and face the light.

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  11. You have a great bog! Congrats on your daughter's graduation! Awesome that you are being published in Circle! It is my dream to someday be published in a national publication. Good luck with your job search and keep on writing, I love your blog!

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    1. Thank you so much, Lisa. And I love your blog as well. I hope you're doing well!!

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  12. I've found a rock of my own, sister girlfriend. But I did join the Y for the summer. Want to meet there sometime and compare rocks?

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    1. YES. If you promise not to laugh or gasp when you see how much weight I've gained. Easter ham arms are BACK.

      Let's do it. I might start getting up at the asscrack of dawn again and go then. 5:00.

      Thanks for reading, friend. It's been far too long.

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  13. Please Tell Mollie Congrats for me! I am so happy for her! Well and Charlie! You know love my Whole Foods! I hope he enjoys it there, great job to have! Well, heroin, you know I know about that.. so ask my anything.. but I think staying under rock is a good place to be on that subject.. or if you like it warmer, stick your head in the sand. Love ya and can.not.wait to see the Family Circle !

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    1. Thanks lady :) Yes, sounds like a pretty cool place to work. I told him he might have to put in a good word for his old mom sometime soon, ha!

      Ooh good point about the sand. That'll be good for winter.

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  14. I'd been missing your posts too, but knew you've been crazy busy and just a little preoccupied. I knew you'd write again as soon as you were ready! (Besides, considering how often I DON'T post on my own blog, I wouldn't be the one to tell my friends, "I wish you blogged more often!" That's like the pot getting two birds stoned with one joint, or whatever that saying is. Or the kettle calling pot black....whatevs.) About the "under the rock" thing: Don't beat yourself up, it's human nature to turn a blind eye to some of the stressful stuff out there because we can all only deal with so much at one time. You come out from under that rock more often than you think! I mean, compared to people I know who refuse to pay ANY real attention to what's going on in the world outside their little corner of it, because the news is always "too depressing," "too scary," "too boring," for them, etc. Now THAT is living under a rock. (And these people don't even have constant stress in their personal lives as a legitimate excuse, either.)
    And while I'm here: Again, Molly's party was fabulous and it was such a joy to help you guys celebrate! And, Charlie is one of the most humble guys of his age I've ever met -- he mentioned transferring to the U soon, but never said one word about his awesome grades. Way to go Charlie!!

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    1. Jenzi, you are such a great supporter and friend. I hope I've expressed that to you! Thanks for being there, not only for me, but for my kids. People like you make our lives so much sweeter.

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    2. Jenny, you absolutely have! I will always be here for you and the kids (including Walter of course :). Like I keep saying, reconnecting with you and getting to know the kids has been one of the best things to happen to me in the past couple of years!

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  15. Don't give up! You sound like a fantastic teacher (Lord knows, I could never care about other people's kids that much) and you deserve a decent job. Keep pedaling.

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    1. Thank you, SC. Pedaling as fast as I can, girl :)

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  16. You'll find a job. You're too amazing not to. I can't believe you submitted to Spanx. They should call them "sweats." But I guess that name is already taken.

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    1. Ugh. I have like, two front butts now. I bow to the gods of spandex. Until I find the willpower to stop eating my feelings, that is. I vow to get in better shape before I hit 50. That gives me exactly 27 months. Gah.

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  17. Loved this update. So cool about the family circle photo shoot--even with the necessary martini. I have a front tooth that is getting gray but is not dead and will not whiten. I will join you re: hillbilly.

    And oy-- not cool on the parents leaving early. That's some horrible manners. Sheesh!!

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    1. Yay for the hillbilly writers! Yee haw, I mean.

      Thanks for reading :)

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  18. YAY for all the awesome stuff that has happened for your kids. And *hugs* to you. Sometimes that rock can be so damn cozy.

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    1. And my rock has wifi. Which makes it even harder to leave! Thanks for reading, Traci.

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  19. Love when i find sisters that i have yet to meet ... of course it will mean me getting out of my bubble and you climbing out from under your rock ... but in that whole big picture thing that we tell ourselves (on repeat) and that perspective we try endlessly to put it all in, this blogging thing has helped me keep it all together. If you were just a little closer, we could bitch and 'wine' together, but here we are, reading between the lines and nodding in unison. You got this. All of it. And you inspiring others along the way. Sisters girl, sisters xxxx

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    1. Oh my friend. Bubbles and rocks! Sounds like a good name for a store. Or a book.

      So, so happy to have connected. A long-distance toast to you, sister!

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